I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
