i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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