Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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