brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
the raccoons are back...
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