On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
