Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
