Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
