why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
