i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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