I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
