Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
