Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
