I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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