It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
