Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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