Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He shit in the fireplace
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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