it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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