Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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