My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize