My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
