U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
