I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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