sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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