when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
