I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
