I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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