Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
