she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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