Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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