we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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