Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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