Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
