dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
