its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
did i walk over a car last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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