You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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