I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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