how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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