my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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