I could have mohawked her pubes.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
