I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
