My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize