I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
