don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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