He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
