This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
