Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
