He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
