dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
