do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
