I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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