Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
