I hate all girls vehemently.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
