I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
