Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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