dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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