I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Randomize
