She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
