i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
