We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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