I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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