Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
one two three fourrrrnication!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
