; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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