Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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