I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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