worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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